Bath Time Fun Time
by caffedrine
Summary: In which Blood never gets a personal bath with Alice. Alice tries to remember who the gatekeepers are while Humpty and Dumpty make it up on the fly.


Bath Time Fun Time

Alice took three steps into the mansion's bathing room before coming to an abrupt stop as the steam parted. "This," she said tersely, "Is **my** usual bathing time."

Was it her imagination, or did an expression of pure shock flash across both twins' faces. Even if so, right now Dumpty looked mildly irritated and Humpty . . . was he _leering_ at her?

"Of course it is," Dumpty sounded exhausted and put upon. "We always bathe together. Don't you remember?"

"Okay," Alice said, "There has to be a rule against asking a person with memory problems questions that involve remembering."

"You forgot the first time we bathed together?" Humpty asked in a horrified voice. "The first time you saw me in all of my spectacular beauty? You went so red that-"

"No one wants to hear that!" Alice shouted, wondering if there was something she could throw at him.

"I do." Dumpty said.

Humpty coughed. "In any case, you couldn't stay away from me afterwards. So we always make a point to bathe together so you can bask near me like a flower basks near the sun." Humpty glanced at his brother. "Dumpty too."

Dumpty nodded. "It's as Humpty says, you most certainly like to bathe with us. You may join us. Again."

It sounded shifty to Alice, like the two gatekeepers were lying. But if she couldn't remember them from beyond just a few time periods earlier how could she know either way? Either they were lying and they never bathed together, or they were telling the truth and they have bathed together at least once.

Or Alice didn't care.

With a sigh she stomped over to the giant bath that took up most of the room. Or rather to say, Alice walked as briskly as one could while worrying about slipping on the wet tile, dropping her towel and giving the room a show.

Alice sighed as she sunk into the hot water, gripping her towel tightly around her. Even if the water was full of mysterious twins it was very hot and very nice. She could feel her worries melt away from her. She told herself that she didn't care that Humpty and Dumpty were here too, this time was for her.

Alice closed her eyes and enjoyed the peaceful tranquility of being cocooned in warmth. She ignored the drops that flicked across her face just as she ignored Humpty and Dumpty. This was her time and she wouldn't let a few more drops of water interrupt it . . .

"Would you stop that?" Alice opened her eyes as she snapped at Humpty who paused in the middle of splashing her yet again. He adopted an innocent look as an aborted wave of water rippled between them.

"You were being boring." Dumpty explained, suddenly a lot closer to her than he had been when she entered. "But I wanted to see what else Humpty would have done if you continued to ignore him."

"She wasn't ignoring me!" Humpty protested. "She was just . . . feeling bedazzled by the sight of my entire glorious self!"

"Wait," Alice said, trying hard not to **look**. "You do have a towel on, right? Right?"

Humpty ignored her. "She has memory problems, remember? It's like how it was in the beginning when we first met and she was overwhelmed by my beauty."

"Yeah," Dumpty nodded. "You were so creepy that she-"

"Not creepy!" Humpty shouted. "See for yourself, there's nothing creepy about me!" He stood and held his arms out wide.

Alice watched Humpty stand, but the bath was deep enough that the water came up almost to his navel. Because of whatever rose crap Blood put in the water, she couldn't see anything beyond an inch below the water surface. Then she remembered that she didn't want to see anything anyways and jerked her gaze away.

Dumpty was beaming at Humpty. "Yeah," he sighed wistfully. "Creepy."

As Humpty pirouetted to show how not creepy he was from all angles, Alice wondered if this is how they normally interacted. The first time she could recall meeting them they had almost word for word the exact argument in front of her. For some reason, here in the bath, it made her nostalgic.

Reflexively she raise an arm to shield herself from one of Humpty's wild gesticulations as he got more and more worked up.

"I've been here before," Alice whispered so softly that neither brother could hear her. "I've been in the bath while they've fought." Have they been irritating her all this time?

"Rose petals." Alice shouted and both twins stopped arguing to look at her curiously. "About twenty time periods ago, I had to clean rose petals out of the drain. It took me the entire day. That was you, wasn't it?"

"No," Humpty said easily. "That sounds like Elliot. Go get angry at him instead."

"I have a potion," Dumpty added. "Just slip a little into his food and we can all teach him a lesson about eating carrots, er, dumping rose petals in the bath."

"Oh," Humpty asked. "Is it the one that denatures the subject's DNA that you were working on?"

"No," Dumpty grumbled. "The cell is full of DNAse inhibitors, I was working on something that would block them but Elliot said that hooking up a prisoner to an IV and telling them that they'll be dead in a month isn't intimidating enough. He just doesn't care about the science." Dumpty turned to Alice. "Elliot is definitely the culprit behind whatever clogged the drains. I'll help you get revenge."

"Yeah," Alice said. "Not convincing. Besides, Elliot and Blood just drink in the bath, they don't eat or play with toys."

"They do?" Humpty asked. "Why didn't we think of that?"

"Wait a moment, I'll have someone bring some to us," Dumpty said, rising out of the water. Alice immediately noticed that he was wearing a towel around his waist.

"Hey," Alice said as Dumpty retreated. "We're getting off the point; the two of you are always-"

"Alice," Humpty sighed, sitting next to her and draping a companionable arm around her shoulders. "You're always stressing about the small stuff. This is bath time! It's time for you to relax and just let go. Why do you always have to be so wound up all the time?"

"It's not me," Alice grumbled as she pushed his arm away. "It the two of you who are always fighting in the bath, I'm just an innocent bystander."

"You do like brandy, right?" Dumpty asked as he slid back into the bath at Alice's other side. "You didn't drink the wine during dinner so I thought you'd want something else."

"Hm?" Alice thought for a moment. "Which brand do they have?" Alice stopped and glared at him. "Wait, why do you think I drink alcohol? I never drink, why are you trying to make me? What kind of girl do you think I am?"

Dumpty shrugged. "The kind that gets into a bath with two strangers just because everyone around her says that she should already know them." he said levelly.

As Alice gaped at Dumpty, Humpty draped himself over her shoulders. "It's okay," he told her. "You can be as slutty as you want, as long as it's with me."

"And me," Dumpty said, scooting closer to her.

"Oh for god's sake!" Alice snapped, splashing Dumpty and pulling herself away from Humpty and across the bath.

Humpty looked genuinely wounded and Dumpty . . . was he sneaking glances at Humpty?

 _Creepy . . ._

Alice thought she imagined it more than heard it but Humpty immediately whirled on Dumpty while shouting, "I am not-"

"Stop it!" Alice shouted, forestalling the inevitable fight. "Just stop it! Just sit still, be quiet and enjoy the bath in peace!"

Humpty and Dumpty looked at her. Very carefully Humpty turned to Dumpty and told him, "This is your fault for forgetting to get the liquor ahead of time. She always gets like this when she doesn't have a drink with her bath."

Dumpty looked affronted before glancing at Alice and nodding in resignation. "You're right, I'm sorry. Next time I'll have the drinks ready at the start." He paused and fingered his chin. "Did we have snacks to go with the drinks?"

"I don't drink!" Alice shouted, standing up while carefully keeping her towel wrapped around her. "I'm beginning to understand why I may have repressed all my memories of you two!"

Alice hauled herself out of the bath and trod across the room, grabbing an extra towel near the door to hold against her face. Her skin felt hot with embarrassment even through the cloth.

"Hey!" Humpty called out. "That's my towel!"

End


End file.
